May 2017


"The Mexicans will build it."

Sturgeon and Trump in new understanding

With a General Election forthcoming, opposition and fringe political parties are looking to do some horse-trading.

And in an attempt to get his Visa renewed so he can play golf in Scotland again, Donald Trump has offered to send up to a thousand illegal Hispanic (Mexican) immigrants to Scotland to help build a wall - should Scotland win independence.

It will be a win-win situation where Scotland gets virtually free labour and the USA gets to empty some of it's over-crowded detention centres.

Of course, the Hispanics will have to be closely monitored as they may try to escape and make their way to Bradford disguised as Muslims. But Ms Sturgeon has promised that once the new wall is built, all the Hispanics will be sent back to Mexico.

In London, British Prime Minister Theresa May has reacted with horror to the new proposal to build a wall. Hoping to be re-elected to Government with a powerful mandate, she intends to reintroduce the title of "Malleus Scotorum", though she wishes to rename it "Malleus eorum Scrotums" (Hammer their Scrotums). She even wishes to go as far as deposing the Queen of England and send an army North to fight the Scots - should they get another chance to win independence.

Upon learning of Theresa May's 'cunning plan', the French have offered to send troops to Scotland to help fight the English. Even Donald Trump has warned Theresa May to not go too far as he may also get the USA involved in this war - especially as it will be good business for his major arms traders.

So, while the world is closely watching flashpoints such as Syria, Turkey, Iran and North Korea, The early exchanges of a third world war may take place in such exotic locations as Carlisle or Berwick-upon-Tweed.

The clock is ticking. Will WWIII start on the Scotland-England border? The Nation has a duty to stop Theresa May at all costs. We also earnestly implore Her Majesty the Queen to lock-up Theresa May in the Tower of London before she gets trigger-happy.

UK, 8th May, 2017: NEW £5 NOTE TO BE LAUNCHED!

"Boris (Johnson) to be the feature"

New £5 limited edition note to be printed soon

It had to happen. The Tories, to demonstrate their expected and forthcoming total dominance of British politics, have decided to commission a new £5 note to celebrate their anticipated victory in the June 2017 General Election.

The original plan was to have a King Kong style Theresa May suspending herself from Big Ben and growling at the general public below.

But after taking advice about the controversial image, Theresa May decided to let Boris Johnson have the honour of appearing on the new £5 bank note.

Boris will be seen suspended from a wire over the House of Commons - something in line with the crazy addled-minded antics he is so famous for.

In fact, Boris has been so keen to be seen suspended in the air at each and every opportunity, he has offered to hang-glide over every constituency where the Tories are looking to overturn opposition-held seats. Boris said he wants to drop leaflets on the people below showing how 'high and mighty' the Tories have become since being re-elected to power in 2015.

Will the Tories, as they are confidently predicting, win an overwhelming majority in the forthcoming General Election? Or will Boris Johnson's antics be all in vain?

Footnote: Should the Tories suffer a shock defeat, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has promised he will also commission a new £5 note. In his version, the House of Commons will be festooned in red flags.

Watch out for those new fivers! Whatever appears on the new limited edition, they will certainly become collector's items!


"By Royal Invitation - no less!"

Buckingham Palace hands out invite.

It seems there may now be a way for Wikileaks founder, Julian Assange, to leave the Ecuadorian Embassy.

In a surprise move, one undisclosed member of the Royal Family has offered Mr Assange a chance to move into Buckingham Palace.

The invitation came early in the morning and was scribbled on official Palace notepaper. It was not signed, but the note stated that an 'exchange' could be arranged.

The proposed deal involves the unnamed Royal exchanging places with Mr Assange. "I have got to get out of here", was the plea writen in this letter. It seems this member of the Royal Household is desperate to escape the Palace and move into the Ecuadorian Embassy.

Rumour is rife as to who this mysterious Royal could be. One clue is that the composer of this communication is fed-up with State banquets and having to entertain Heads of State that he intensely dislikes. "I never want to see another [censored] for the rest of my life."

Bookmakers are already preparing a market for this event and one (again, unnamed) Royal is the expected hot favourite.

Will this exchange take place? Who is this member of the Royal Household who is desperate to escape the Palace?

It is believed that Mr Assange is giving serious consideration to the offer - maybe out of desperation. We wait with bated breath for further developments.

Source: Roisters News Agency



Secret of Donald Trump's hair finally exposed!

Dozens of people from all around the world have been wondering if Donald Trump's hair is natural. Well, the answer is yes and no!

The real story of Trump's hairpiece is one which is very likely to get him impeached for criminally acquiring a hairpiece from a dead person.

Famous visual artist, Andy Warhol, died in Manhattan in the early morning of February 22, 1987. It was at exactly the same time that Donald Trump was diagnosed as going bald. It was also just a few days later when 'Operation Manhattan Hair' (now referred to as 'Manhattangate') swung into action. Acting rapidly upon the news of Mr Warhol's death, a crack team of highly-trained trichologists were sent to Manhattan to remove Mr Warhol's hair. This team was lead by a former leading Russian Trichologist known only as Dr.Kutzov

The hair was preserved in a special amniotic fluid and flown directly to Trump Tower in New York. In an in-house operation, Mr Trump was shaved of what little hair he had remaining and his new hairpiece was surgically stitched to his scalp. The only problem left remaining was to colour the hair so that it matched the colour of the original growth.

This is where the famous Hollywood hair stylist, 'Patch' Pateman came into the equation. Using his own invention, known as the 'Monroe Procedure', Mr Trump's hair was subjected to a mixture of mayonnaise, a mild peroxide, and genetically-modified Texan cattle fertilizer. Within a few weeks, Mr Trump's hair colour perfectly matched the original colour.

As for the deceased Mr Warhol, he had a white haired wig superglued to his head in an effort to deceive his friends and family. He went to his grave with nobody the wiser for what had happened.

This secret remained safe until a reporter from the Warpington Post decided to investigate rumours that Mr Trump's hair had been acquired using nefarious activities. Now 'Operation Campbell's Soup' swung into action and the reporter dug more deeply into the events that took place in 1987.

This was going to be the reporter's biggest scoop. But just hours before it was due to roll off the press, all the other Warpinton Post staff mysteriously disappeared overnight and the printing house was burned to the ground. This is when the Warpington Post's investigating reporter came to us with his story. We publish it today in defiance of any intimidation we may be subjected to from Mr Trump's security services.

Please remember where you read this. As for the investigating reporter, he wishes to remain anonymous.


"A prevailing threat to the community"

Photo: Greyscale Institution, 'Nunsters'.

The Pope was awoken early to day to be warned of a crisis at the Greyscale Institution. 'Greyscale' was built to house wayward nuns and was considered to be the most secure and inaccessible building in the world. But a daring break out by renegade nuns resulted in a number of them using dental floss to make a rope from which they could abseil their way to freedom.

One of our roving reporters just happened to come across them and was able to take one photo before being chased away. Eyewitnesses said they just appeared from nowhere, mugged an old inebriated man, and stole and drank his beer and smoked his cigarettes. They then disappeared as quickly as they appeared.

They have been commonly dubbed as 'Nunsters' (an amalgam of the words 'nun' and 'gansters'). This is particularly appropriate as they originally belonged the Order of the Unholy Conception of the Sister Alice Capone. The abbey which housed this order had long been a problem to the Roman Catholic Church and was closed down some years ago. All surviving members of the abbey were transferred to Greyscale.

As a result of the uncanny way these Nunsters manage to avoid capture, His Holiness the Pope has sought specialist help from the USA. Enter those who belong to Opus Doo-Dah Dei in Maryland.

Opus Doo-Dah Dei have sent some of their best clerics to hunt down the Nunsters and to forcibly return them to Greyscale. In the mean time, and until the clerics arrive in Italy, the Pope has asked people to report sightings of Nunsters on a specially commissioned telephone hotline. Callers will be put through to a hastily set-up response centre based in an old disused monastery near the Vatican. Simply dial 'MON-A-COP' (666-2-267) and you will be immediately connected to an operative who will take details of your sighting. These details will then be handed to the Vatican Police Force who will be based strategically throughout the immediate area.

A word of caution: The Vatican has advised the public not to try and apprehend these Nunsters. This especially applies to male members of the public. This is because Nunsters carry with them rosary beads which are made of shrunken testicles and human hair. The implications are obvious.

Members of Opus Doo-Dah Dei should arrive within the next few days. We also await further developments concerning this very serious situation.


"They were once close friends"

A song, a fallout, a vendetta.

It was once all sweetness and light. A band called 'Donnie and the Douchebags' once wowed the crowds at their gigs by belting out great covers of popular songs.

But it all changed when lead singer, Donald Trump (Donnie) decided he wanted to write some new material with the band, but inisted that it would be his exclusive property. Donald wanted it all, the credit for the songs, all of the fame, and most importantly, all of the royalties. Donald had quickly become a control freak.

The big bust-up came on the first night of a planned live TV perfomance when fellow bandmate, James Comey, decided to deride Donald and make gestures to say that Donald had 'gone loopy'. It was after this gesturing that Donald completely lost his cool and lashed out at James. It was chaos on stage. Backing singers, The Douchettes, also waded in with punches, and the whole set became one mass of brawling bodies. The TV link was cut as soon as the first punch landed on James. That was the end of the band. The Douchettes gave up music altogether and became one of America's most famous transvestite tag-wrestling teams. James went on to form his own band, called the 'Comey Islanders'. Donald continued, albeit in disgrace, with an attempt at a career writing music. But nobody wanted to sing his songs, or dance to his tunes. Having seen the writing on the wall (obscene grafitti scribbled on the wall outside of his house), he then turned to big business and created the Trump Organization. The rest is history.

James went on to become the head of the FBI. But in revenge for being called crazy in that ill-fated incident so many years earlier, the now President Donald Trump called out James as crazy. He had to go, said Donald. Nobody knows where this will end. It is a vendetta that has not yet run it's course. Donald is out to get James big time, and vice-versa.

On a historical note, some of Donald's songs are still available. In a studio recording session just before that fateful night, Donnie and the Douchettes performed all the tracks that Donald had written.

*Some of these songs are: 'Drain the Swamp'; 'Refill the Swamp': 'You're a Swampy Thing'; 'Stomp in the Swamp'; 'Swamp Pomp'; 'Swamp Creature'; 'Keep Outa My Swamp'. For some strange reason, Donald had become transfixed with the term 'swamp' and all of his songs, bar one, made direct reference to this term. The exception was: 'You're Fired, Fired, Fired'.

*The band's songs are available on the 'Chocolate Cake' label and on sale at all good dollar stores.