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"It could be the end of the bank"

Staff at the Bank of England were alarmed today to learn of a possible sinkhole appearing underneath the building.

It was supposed to be a routine inspection of the Bank's foundations and underlying rock formations. That was until a crevice was noticed in what was once a previously dug out tunnel beneath the Bank.

It is believed the tunnel goes back many hundreds of year, and well before the Bank was built. It is also believed that erosion caused a crevice to appear below the Bank's foundations - which led to the tunnel in question being discovered.

Because of the porous nature of the ground underneath the foundations, and the tunnel being undiscovered for so long, water has seeped through a tiny hole which led to a much larger crevice being formed. It was just large enough for one of the inspection engineers to squeeze through. That is when it opened into a large cave which had formed below the bank.

But the biggest shock was yet to come. Upon closely examining the cave walls it was discovered that some of the glass-like seams that ran through the wall were in fact 'Bitcoin' seams.

Upon further inspection, these seams appeared everywhere in the cave. It is estimated there must be millions of these Bitcoins running in seams around the cave.

Officials at the Bank enquired as to 'ownership' of the ground underneath the Bank. It appears that the ground actually belongs to the City of London.

Upon learning of the incredible find, and it's phenomenal value to the City, the Lord Mayor of London immediately claimed the right to mine the Bitcoins.

The problem that arises is that it is likely to seriously weaken the foundations of the Bank, which is likely to disappear into a large sinkhole if any excavation is commenced.

After consulting with qualified engineers, geologists and other noted experts, it was decided that the Bitcoins could be mined, and that the ground beneath the Bank could be sufficiently reinforced to stop the Bank disappearing altogether. At least that is the assurance given, but not to the satisfaction of the Bank.

Before any legal devices can be used to stop the mining of these Bitcoins, the Lord Mayor says he will immediately employ skilled miners to begin drilling and recovering the Bitcoins.

An advertisement will appear in the very near future for people to work in this cave. Former coalminers from Yorkshire and Wales have been earmarked for the job and will be approached in due course.

Notwithstanding this policy of employing experienced miners, other less experienced workers will be asked to submit their work experience to the Lord Mayor for the purpose of working as labourers.

If you feel you are capable of doing this type of work, you should immediately send your details to the Lord Mayor for consideration. Wages will be determined by the value of the Bitcoins recovered, but will vary according to market rates.

Good luck!

UK, 14th January, 2018: US 'BORG' CUBE IN LONDON TO OPEN SOON!

"Science Fiction becomes a reality"

New US Embassy to be a 'Borg Cube'.

In a recent claimed outbust by President Trump, he maligned the impending closure of the old US Embassy. And in a decision not involving President Trump, the new design was approved at the beginning of the Obama administration - and as an indication of where US politics is heading.

The US' first target for assimilation is the UK population. By locating the new construction close to the famous MI6 building in Vauxhall, it appears that those working for MI6 will be used as 'drones' to help convert the UK's political ideology to that of the US.

Future President Hillary Clinton, who use her 'almightiness' to escape any upcoming criminal charges, will rule supreme. Her will shall become the single consciousness of all the drones she employs and of those she manages to assimilate during her rule.

In time, all of the UK population will become single-minded drones. All they will ever hear is the constant nattering of Hillary's voice. Is this the future the people of the UK want?

We warn everone not to enter this building. You will not emerge the same person again.

FOOTNOTE: The name 'Vauxhall' comes from the Russian word for a railway station: 'Vokzal'.


"Tories capture strategic positions in Scotland"

Photo: New territories for 'Terror Tories'.

The plan has worked. The ruthless Theresa May sent out orders to capture strategic positions in Scotland. The campaign for two targetted regions was largely successful. There is only a small and rebellious element left in one of the regions which the Scottish Nationalists have refused to surrender (we expect a 'Battle of the Alamo' type of situation to develop there in the near future).

Theresa May sent out her orders to win ground in both the South of Scotland, and the Eastern Region of the country. It is believed that the Southern regions will be used to create a 'buffer zone' to prevent any Scottish invasion of England. The Eastern regions were captured to help defend England's sole rights to oil fields in the North Sea. Theresa May and her army of Tories now have a stanglehold on Scotland. To enhance the security of the border between England and Scotland, the Tories have also acquired the areas immediately to the South of the border. There is now a broad band of blue between England and Scotland which the Tories control.

Fakir News takes some credit from it's story on May 1st of this year when we warned of Theresa May's plans. People may have laughed at our claims (at least we hope you did) and shown contempt for our intelligence reports. But we have shown that there is some merit in what we have been saying.

Our story of May 1st, 2017

The big question now is this: Is Theresa May sufficiently happy with her victories in Scotland? Our agent inside the Tory party tells us that Theresa May now has a glint in her eye and that she could be planning further gains in the Highlands. So, the planned invasion that may have taken place if the Scottish Nationalists had held their ground is now on the 'back-burner'. The new plan is now for Tory insurgents in other parts of Scotland to ferment rebellion.

"Ye'll take our land, but ye'll naer take our deep-fried confectionaries." - Scottish protestor, who, ironically, had painted his face blue.

As for the promise of help from the French for the Scottish Nationalists, this has now been abandoned. New French President, Emmanuel Macron, is reported to be hiding in a cupboard somewhere waiting for Theresa May to be deposed. As for the Americans, they will no longer be building a wall for the Scots. Donald Trump is said to be seriously considering moving all of his golfing interests to the new Tory-controlled administrative areas of the country. This will be a devastating blow for the Scottish Nationalists as tens of jobs will be lost when President Trump abandons his golf courses in the regions they still control. President Trump also plans to sell the land he owns to Middle Eatern countries, who are interested in using the land (and especially the sand bunkers) for 'training purposes'.

In a late update to our story, we have heard that to secure the newly acquired regions of Scotland, Therea May has ordered the Queen to send a full regiment of her finest fighting troops to Scotland to enure that any retaliation from the Scottish Nationalists will be met with severe force. The troops to be sent to Scotland will be the much-feared Royal Highland Regiment of Horrid Haggis Bashers.

The next few months will be critical. Will there be fighting in Scotland? Will Theresa May immediately move to capture move land? Only time will tell.

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