Terror has come to Westminster. In recent weeks, a new threat has imposed itself upon the already mentally-challenged members of the British Parliament.
Nobody knows where it has come from, but a creature known simply as the 'Brain-Sucker', has been attacking MPS in the House of Commons.
There is suspicion that this creature has been lurking in Parliament for some time, and only becomes this beast by metamorphosis at night when it stalks (mainly) the hallways of the House.
Suspects abound. First to show signs of 'brain-drainage' was the Prime Minister herself. She was rapidly followed by Boris Johnson and Gavin Williamson. For some bizarre and yet unexplained reason, all are showing signs of a condition known as 'Russiaphobia'. Essentially, victims of the Brain-Sucker have a regular tendency to blame everything, however ridiculous, upon the Russians. It does not matter what the facts are, and even despite a complete lack of evidence, Russia is to blame for everything.
So who is masquerading as the Brain-Sucker in human form? The beast is cunning inasmuch that it likes to mimic the symptoms of it's victims to make others believe it must be someone other than itself.
Even members of the Labour Party are starting to show symptons of attacks. One example is John McDonnell. This beast knows no boundaries. Perhaps more worryingly, those affected may now be carrying a highly-contagious virus, which can be passed onto others simply by 'mouth-to-anus' contact. We say this as it is already clear that a number editors and senior journalists from prominent media companies are also showing clear signs of Russiaphobia.
If the Brain-Sucker is to be stopped, we need to find a vaccine to first stop the spread of the virus. Then we need someone to catch the Brain-Sucker in the act. Who will be bold enough to come forward and help rid us of this enemy? We appeal for anyone with the courage to face up to this beast to come forward now. Your country needs you.
It was supposed to be a routine inspection of the Bank's foundations and underlying rock formations. That was until a crevice was noticed in what was once a previously dug out tunnel beneath the Bank.
It is believed the tunnel goes back many hundreds of year, and well before the Bank was built. It is also believed that erosion caused a crevice to appear below the Bank's foundations - which led to the tunnel in question being discovered.
Because of the porous nature of the ground underneath the foundations, and the tunnel being undiscovered for so long, water has seeped through a tiny hole which led to a much larger crevice being formed. It was just large enough for one of the inspection engineers to squeeze through. That is when it opened into a large cave which had formed below the bank.
But the biggest shock was yet to come. Upon closely examining the cave walls it was discovered that some of the glass-like seams that ran through the wall were in fact 'Bitcoin' seams.
Upon further inspection, these seams appeared everywhere in the cave. It is estimated there must be millions of these Bitcoins running in seams around the cave.
Officials at the Bank enquired as to 'ownership' of the ground underneath the Bank. It appears that the ground actually belongs to the City of London.
Upon learning of the incredible find, and it's phenomenal value to the City, the Lord Mayor of London immediately claimed the right to mine the Bitcoins.
The problem that arises is that it is likely to seriously weaken the foundations of the Bank, which is likely to disappear into a large sinkhole if any excavation is commenced.
After consulting with qualified engineers, geologists and other noted experts, it was decided that the Bitcoins could be mined, and that the ground beneath the Bank could be sufficiently reinforced to stop the Bank disappearing altogether. At least that is the assurance given, but not to the satisfaction of the Bank.
Before any legal devices can be used to stop the mining of these Bitcoins, the Lord Mayor says he will immediately employ skilled miners to begin drilling and recovering the Bitcoins.
An advertisement will appear in the very near future for people to work in this cave. Former coalminers from Yorkshire and Wales have been earmarked for the job and will be approached in due course.
Notwithstanding this policy of employing experienced miners, other less experienced workers will be asked to submit their work experience to the Lord Mayor for the purpose of working as labourers.
If you feel you are capable of doing this type of work, you should immediately send your details to the Lord Mayor for consideration. Wages will be determined by the value of the Bitcoins recovered, but will vary according to market rates.
In a recent claimed outbust by President Trump, he maligned the impending closure of the old US Embassy. And in a decision not involving President Trump, the new design was approved at the beginning of the Obama administration - and as an indication of where US politics is heading.
The US' first target for assimilation is the UK population. By locating the new construction close to the famous MI6 building in Vauxhall, it appears that those working for MI6 will be used as 'drones' to help convert the UK's political ideology to that of the US.
Future President Hillary Clinton, who use her 'almightiness' to escape any upcoming criminal charges, will rule supreme. Her will shall become the single consciousness of all the drones she employs and of those she manages to assimilate during her rule.
In time, all of the UK population will become single-minded drones. All they will ever hear is the constant nattering of Hillary's voice. Is this the future the people of the UK want?
We warn everone not to enter this building. You will not emerge the same person again.
FOOTNOTE: The name 'Vauxhall' comes from the Russian word for a railway station: 'Vokzal'.